Becoming mommy for me is thrilling, exciting, overwhelming, and terrifying all at the same time. Will I be good enough? How will I know what to do? Do I have that maternal instinct everyone talks about? Do I have enough to give this child mentally, physically, and emotionally? These are all the questions I asked myself as the time approached for me to become mommy.
I've always known I wanted to be a mom. Playing with dolls as a young child calling them baby, feeding them bottles and changing their imaginary diapers. I even came close a few years ago but suffered a miscarriage. That experience made me even more grateful that this time I was able to carry my baby boy to 39 weeks.
Feeling him grow and move inside me was a feeling like no other. Although very strange and weird in the beginning. I was grateful for every flutter and kick.
I was so nervous when I found out I was having a boy. I've experienced the rambunctious behavior of the little boys in my family compared to the serene demeanor of their female counterparts. Those terrible twos truly seem terrible for little boys. However, the tomboy in me is so glad I get to be a boy mom. I'm also really excited that my husband gets the opportunity to raise the son he has always wanted.
In his first few weeks of his life, my son taught me so much about faith and love. Unfortunately, he had a brief stay in the NICU after being born. Having to go home without him was truly heartbreaking and devastating for me. I literally broke down. My eyes were swollen from crying all night long. I couldn't bear the thought of being without him.
After carrying him for 39 weeks of what I assumed was a healthy pregnancy and not being able to take him home was unimaginable. To be honest I felt betrayed by God. How could He give me this beautiful blessing then force me to leave him behind? I felt like He was punishing me for every sin I ever committed.
I realized my faith was being tested. To be honest it still is. Although he will be 4 months soon, sometimes the overwhelming emotions from his delivery and stay in the NICU come over me.
Baby boy is thriving and healthy, but we were told he may or may not have some health challenges ahead. I feel it's just another opportunity for God to show how strong and sovereign he is.
I'm still working on wrapping my head around the events that took place with my labor and delivery and reconciling them with my faith. I know and believe in my heart that God is intentional about everything He does. I'm hoping my experience will bring Him glory and me peace eventually.
My name is Natasha W. Boyd author and blogger at www.natwillboyd.wordpress.com I was born and raised in Houston, Texas, but in the last 5 years have been converted to Dallas, Texas! My passion for writing was fostered by my 7th grade English teacher. He encouraged us to write daily journal entries about life, our hopes, dreams and aspirations. From there writing became a form of therapy for me. It was also a great way for me to express my creativity. I love to share stories on my blog about my life, my faith, and my travels. Hoping to inspire faith, love, and encouragement.
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Creator of Lyric Notes @lyricnotes16